Sorry I'm late

Hello again. Sorry I'm late.

Last night I dreamed I went to Mandalay again.

OK, well maybe I didn't dream that, but I did have an interesting dream. Interesting to me anyway.

I dreamed that I was at a sort of resort. I was sitting on one of those wooden recliner type things that you often see at resorts. Typically, they have white cushions attached to them, but on this occasion, they did not.

I was sitting at the end of the recliner, you understand I was not in the reclining position but rather perched toward the foot of the recliner. Sitting on the recliner next to me was Tony Blair, the former British PM. He was seated in a similar way to me, toward the edge of the recliner.

We were engaged in a game of trivia. Questions were being posed to us in turn and we were answering them. One by one the questions were asked and each time we answered correctly. The tension was building with each question. Great matters depended on the winner of this rather odd little game although I cannot say with any accuracy precisely what those matters were. In fact now that I think of it, I can't really remember any of the questions or even who was asking them. All I can remember is that we were being asked those questions in turn and Tony, in his very cultivated British accent would answer his correctly and then me, with my rather more roguish Australian accent would answer my question. Also correctly. Each of us would stare intently at the other as that person's question was asked and wait breathlessly as it was answered.

As I may have mentioned before, it was tense.

Eventually Tony was asked to name three national governmental deputies. As soon as he was asked this, I realised that had the question been asked of me, I would only have been able to name two; Joe "Big F*cking Deal" Biden and La Guillarde, also known as Julia Gillard. I breathed a sigh of relief and waited anxiously for Tony's answer.

Rather than answer, Tony began to insist that the question be directed at me. His reasons were convoluted, but seemed to revolve around two facts. The first was that as a former world leader, the question would be too easy for him. The second was that he believed that he was getting all, the hard questions and it was only fair that the order should be reversed. You should remember, dear reader, that all these explanations were being made in Tony's wonderful speaking voice and thus the spectators were somewhat persuaded.

For my part, I of course objected strongly. I suspected that this was a ruse on Tony's part as he had perceived that I was worried about the question. You will be pleased to hear however, that I defended myself strenuously. I objected vehemently to the idea of changing the order so suddenly and simply and I pointed out to Tony the inconsistency in his first reason and his second reason.

My implacable logic left Tony slightly flummoxed and he began to insist that we should provide the three answers in turn. One at a time, so to speak.

The careful reader will spot the flaw in this plan. Should I be required to provide the first answer, I had two at my disposal, however by providing the first answer I should also have to provide the third. This could leave me in a tricky spot should Tony's answer be either Gillard or Biden. So I agreed on his suggestion so long as he went first. He objected of course.

After some further argument, it was agreed that Tony and I should play paper-scissors-rock in order to decide who goes first. Tony then asked whether dynamite was allowed in the game and demonstrated dynamite as a hand held in a first with the thumb pointing upward. I told him not to be ridiculous and that we should get on with the game.

So we started the first game of paper-scissors-rock. I'll note here that we used that Japanese cry of "JUN-KEN-PO!" as we brought our fists down three times before displaying wither paper, scissors or rock. I can think of no good reason why we did this, but in the interests of maintaining the strictest accuracy in my report, I note it here for the record.

On the third downward shake, I flattened my hand out, forming the shape for paper. Tony's hand remained as a fist for a moment and then slowly he pointed out two fingers and exclaimed "scissors!! I win!"

I was apoplectic. I told him that he had cheated and that he had first shown rock, which would have lost, befoe changing to scissors. This was not in the spirit of the game and I told him so. Forcefully.

Tony looked saddened and leaned toward me. He explained that it was a little known fact that at moments of high tension, such as this so obviously was, his hands sweated a great deal. He further told me (and all the spectators that had gathered around) that he suffered from arthritis in the hands. These two facts, he explained, meant that his fingers were quite sticky from the sweat and moved quite slowly due to the arthritis. This gave the impression that he was cheating, although, he said, nothing could be further from the truth.

You should remember, dear reader, that all of this was explained in Tony's wonderfully mellifluous voice. His slow, statesmanlike intonations falling like blocks of sandstone into a beautifully constructed argument that, while perfectly argued, was patently false. Nonetheless, he had persuaded the crowd and as I tried to argue that he was being unfair I found that several of them, albeit nameless and faceless, were staring at me as though I was kicking a puppy.

It would give me enormous pleasure to report here the outcome of my argument with Tony Blair, after all it's not often that one has the opprtunity to go mano-a-mano with a former world leader, but, once again holding accuracy of reporting above all else, I must tell you that it was at that moment that I woke up.

If you've read this far then I must apologise for not being able to provide a more satisfactory resolution. To make up for it, I am offering bonus points to the first person who correctly tells me the origin of the Mandalay quote above.