Fabulous Faecal Facts

Some time ago I worked with a chap that was in the habit of advising me of the details of his bowel movements. He spoke with a rather posh British accent that I was reliably informed was a ‘Sandhurst accent’ and indeed he had been an officer in the British military. He sounded quite a lot like Trevor Bailey, the former English cricketer and sometime commentator.

On occasion, in this very proper accent, he would stand upright and loudly announce; “It’s time for my 2 o’clock poo!” He would then pivot  in a military fashion and depart in the direction of the men’s room. On his return he would usually make some further comment, usually along the lines of everything having “come out splendidly” but occasionally a more graphic description of the process along the lines of “I’ve just passed a bowel movement the exact size and shape of a coconut. Extraordinary!”


It was humorous of course, but also more than passing strange. The activities that go on in the privy are generally kept private and the splendidly refined accent somehow made it all the more embarrassing. That’s embarrassing to me, not to him, he seemed to find it all exceptionally witty.

Jokes about our bathroom functions tend to remain the preserve of the very young - I have previously told you of the mirth with which the Bullfrog greeted "Mary had a little poo". As we get older though, our jokes become more inclined toward sexual activities, human differences or even wordplay, but poo jokes are all but forgotten. To the extent that they do exist, they are more likely to be word play[1], social situations[2] or misunderstandings[3] and very rarely involve the actual acts of defecation or micturition. These acts, which are performed by all, form a taboo in modern society that is vary rarely breached. Movies commonly show graphic violence and sex scenes, but off hand I can only think of one movie that shows a person actually using the toilet when the scene was not intended to be comedic, that being the Sci-fi movie “Code 46”[4].

Wikipedia helpfully tells us that “faeces elicit varying degrees of disgust, a basic human emotion” and then charmingly, someone has demanded a citation for that phrase, proving that wiki takes nothing for granted. I’d actually go a little further than wiki and say that not only do faeces elicit feelings of disgust, but the act of defecation does too. Apparently though this is not universally accepted as there are many folks and indeed many societies where faeces and defecation plays an important role in their social and cultural life and this is not limited to my Sandhurst accented erstwhile colleague.

For example, since at least the 18th century, nativity scenes in Catalonia (Northern Spain) have included a defecating figure known as a caganer and a group of Islanders in Indonesia share a creation story that includes a magical woman who defecates valuable items.

Then there is a global group entirely dedicated to the facilitation of the acts of defecation and micturition known as the “World Toilet Organization”, a noble group dedicated to improving toilets and sanitation worldwide. On November 19 this year, as we do every year, we will celebrate “World Toilet Day”, an initiative of that very group.

The notion of a group committed to improving toilets and toilet habits may sound comical, but of course it is a very serious matter. There are still many parts of the world where open defecation is the norm, either through poverty or culture, and the health outcomes for these people are poorer as a result. The World Toilet Organisation seeks to combat open defecation, both by addressing cultural issues (many find western toilets uncomfortable and find the idea of defecating indoors strange) as well as by providing inexpensive lavatories.

While it may be true that faeces are disgusting, they are also often quite useful and very often interesting. Faeces of all sorts, including human faeces, have been used for as long as humans have grown crops. There is, in fact a movement (sorry) to reintroduce the use of human excrement in farming that is trying to make the whole thing more palatable (sorry again) by referring to it as “humanure”.

It’s interesting too and and is studied for medical reasons by those who call themselves scatologists or coprologists. If you are in Australia and over fifty, you are likely to have received a nice letter from the government asking you to send these chaps some of your poo. I worked for a while in a Post Office and the arrival of such a letter was always a source of mirth (the packs are quite distinctive) and the Post Master delighted in telling the recipient that it was their one chance to throw shit at the government completely free of consequences.

There is also a branch of coprologists that focus their attention on preserved of fossilized faeces, known as coprolites or paleofaeces. Coprolites are formed by desiccation or mummification and provide all sorts of interesting clues about the deep past. Coprolites were first identified as such in the early 19th century when an observant archaeologist noted that “bezoar stones” were often found around the abdominal region of certain dinosaurs. These bezoar stones were routinely collected for their phosphate content and were well known as wonderful source of fertilizer. Once recognized for what they were however, they became a useful source of information. [5]

Perhaps the most famous coprolite is the Lloyds Bank coprolite, affectionally known as the Lloyds Bank turd and discovered during excavations for the York branch of the bank. Unfortunately it was badly damaged soon after discovery, but has since been reconstructed and it is an impressive piece indeed. Fully 20cm long (that’s 8 inches in the old scale), it shows signs of a chap that ate quite a bit of meat and was straining to complete the digestive process. The meat eating part was interesting because it is somewhat at odds with what had previously been understood of folks from that time. It also seems that the poor fellow had a rather advanced case of worms. Nonetheless, his efforts (and they were probably considerable) are now displayed for all to see. His mother would have been so proud.

The Lloyds Bank Coprolite

Finally, I want to leave you with a story about Japan, as is my wont. Japan has a lot of difficulty with poo you see, it’s a densely populated country and while there are plenty of places to take the poo, it is an expensive undertaking. Always looking to defray costs, our friends in Japan became interested in the phenomenon by which heavy metals accrue in faeces and that “heavy metals” include gold. With this in mind, they have set about developing methods of extracting these metals and while it will not set the world on fire, it does appear that they are generating a return of around $50,000 per month. All very exciting, but the best part for me is the name of the town where the extraction is happening. You see, it’s called Suwa.

So faeces are indeed fascinating and I haven’t yet told you about faeces transplants, why poo is brown or the various ways that we clean poo from our anus. I am conscious though dear reader of your patience for such discussion and the limits on your time. There is also the possibility that you may wish to deposit some gold.

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[1] Did you hear about the movie called ‘Constipation’? It never came out

[2] A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[3] A little boy sees a man with a trailer load of cow shit and asks him what he is going to do with it all. The man tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."
The little boy looks at the cow manure for a moment and then looks back at the man slightly puzzled and says, “We usually put cream and sugar on our strawberries."

[4] OK, so there are others as one of my proofreaders has informed me. In fact Quentin Tarantino is notable for including several toilet scenes in Pulp Fiction, most notably the scene preceding Vincent’s demise. My point stands. They are rare.

[5] You can read a wonderful potted history of the study of coprolites here. It's an academic article, but quite readable.



Photo "Bristol Stool Chart" courtesy Cabot Health, Bristol Stool Chart (http://cdn.intechopen.com/pdfs-wm/46082.pdf) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Photo "Lloyds Bank coprolite" courtesy Linda Spashett Storye book - Own work, CC BY 2.5, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=28145468