Australia Post

I moved a month ago. Or thereabouts.

When we moved, we redirected our mail to our new address. Good thinking eh?

Shortly afterward I decided that I would, in fact, get a post office box rather than simply using my home address. My new home is in the city and I wanted to be sure that my mail is safe.

So I went to the Post Office and arranged a PO box and arranged for all my mail to be redirected there. I explained that there was already one mail redirection in place, but that I actually wanted all my mail to go to my new PO box. I was told not to worry because all the mail will be redirected anyway. Mail that was sent to my old address would be redirected to my new address and from there it would be redirected to the PO box.

"It doesn't really matter" said the helpful man at the Post Office, "because it's all being done from this Post Office anyway."

Two weeks later the complete absence of any redirected mail caused me some concern, so I visited the Post Office again with my copy of the redirection forms in hand.

"We can't help you here" said a different, slightly less helpful man. "You'll have to call the redirection centre."
"But you do the redirection here" I protested.
"It's all managed from the redirection centre. You'll have to call them. The number's on the form there."

So I called the number on the form. A recorded voice told me to press one for a personal castration kit, press 2 for a backyard lobotomy kit or press 3 for anything else. I pressed three. Another recorded voice asked me to press 1 for business services (what are they?) or face west for international services or press 3 for everything else. I pressed 3. Another recorded voice gave me a long speech about how careful everybody at Australia Post is about my privacy and that they might just record my conversation so they can prove it to me later.

A click and a whirr and then another recorded voice told me that everybody was frightfully busy now and I should either call back later, go check their website or prepare for a long wait.

I waited.

Some time later another voice, this one allegedly belonging to an actual person, claimed to be 'Amanda' and implied that she could help me. I explained the circumstances. She said
"Well you'll have to call the redirection centre."
"This is the redirection centre" I protested.
"Well this is customer service. You want complaints. I'll put you through"
"When I went went to the Post Office they told me to call this number."
Amanda sighed heavily and quietly said "Unbelievable." Then there was another click and another whirr and I was once again confronted with a recorded voice asking me to press 1 to invade Poland, press 2 for a 40,000km service or press 3 for everything else.

I'll spare you the details, but I went through various menus, recorded messages about my privacy, recorded messages about how busy everyone is and recorded messages telling me to go away and check their website. Then the phone was answered.

"Hello, this is Amanda, how may I help you" said Amanda.

I am absolutely serious.

"Didn't I just speak to you?" I asked.

There was a pause. A silent one. A pause full of expectation and thought. Then there was another pause.

"No." said Amanda.

"Well it sounded like you." I said and then explained my problems with mail redirection. Somewhat tersely.

Amanda made little grunting noises that sounded suspiciously like someone pretending to be interested and said "just a sec." Then she put me on hold. While I was on hold, yet another recorded voice told me how important I was and how desperate everyone associated with Australian Post was to please me. This deep, smooth voice gave me the impression that the entire organisation was standing by expectantly, desperately hoping that I would be content with their services.

After a minute or two Amanda came back to the phone. She seemed less concerned with my level of satisfaction that the deep, smooth voice had seemed. She asked me what my reference number was.

"I don't have a reference number, but I have a customer number on this form." I said
"No, not the customer number, the reference number." said Amanda.
"I don't have a reference number." I said again.
"Well you should have got one when you first made the complaint." said Amanda
"This is the first time I made the complaint" I said
"Just a sec." said Amanda and put me on hold again.

Two or three minutes later Amanda came back and said "So what's your complaint?"
"Well I'm not getting any redirected mail" I said.
"Maybe there isn't any." said Amanda.
"There is. I know there is." I said
"Well maybe there's not. " said Amanda
"I sent a letter to myself at the old address to make sure the redirection was working." I said. This was a lie, but on the spur of the moment, I considered it a pretty good one.
"Just a sec." said Amanda and put me on hold again.

Amanda came back and asked for the various redirection addresses.
"I'll report the problem and have someone look into it." said Amanda, "You'll need to make sure you quote the reference number I gave you if you call us back."
"You didn't give me a reference number." I said
"Just a sec." said Amanda

Eventually I got my reference number and a week later, in the absence of any redirected mail, I struck upon a cunning plan. I sent the chikenz to deal with them.

The chikenz went through a process similar to the one that I had gone through with the fundamental difference that by the end of the chikenz's discussions, it had become quite clear that everything was my fault and that I should sort it out or face the consequences. The precise nature of the consequences was not clear to me, but consequences are never nice. They are to be avoided.

Then yesterday, there was still no redirected mail. We have had the PO box for over a month and there has never been any redirected mail. I called Australia Post again.

I do not expect you to believe me, but I assure you that it's true when I say that after a series of voice menus, recorded messages and admonishments to go away and check their website a voice answered the phone and said;

"Hello, this is Amanda, how may I help you"

This time I didn't even ask. I simply assumed that everyone working for Australia Post is called 'Amanda'. Even the blokes.

I'll spare you the minutiae, but suffice to say that Amanda went through her usual routine of asking for my reference number, telling me "just a sec",  putting me on hold so that I could listen to recorded messages about how important I was and sighing heavily.

After a while, she broke the routine and asked;

"Why have you redirected your mail to box 149?"
"I haven't," I said, "I've redirected it to 419."
"No you haven't, I can see here that it's been redirected to 149. That's not your box number."
"No, it's not. But I didn't redirect it there..."
"Well I can see it here in front of me. You've redirected it to 149." interrupted Amanda. "I'll have to change it all now."

The tone of Amanda's voice made it clear that the enormous difficulties that she already faced had been considerably exacerbated by my inconsiderate and clearly deliberate mistake.

"Amanda," I said, "I have the form here in front of me. It clearly says box 419."
"Just a sec." said Amanda.

Eventually Amanda returned and, rather more chirpily than before, told me that she had fixed everything and that all my old mail was being delivered to my PO box at this very minute.

"Thank you." I said.
"Not to worry," said Amanda cheerfully, "these things happen!"

I hung up and later that day collected over a months worth of redirected mail from my PO box, which, for reasons that probably deserve a separate post entirely, included six identical Dick Smith catalogues. My problem though was that Amanda was still annoying me. She clearly absolved herself and her wretched organisation from any blame with her chipper little "these things happen!" but as it was the end of the conversation there was little I could say. I should have had a comeback. A real zinger that made it plain that not only was this in fact her fault, not mine, but that she was a stupid bint as well.

I thought about this for a while, wondering what comeback would have been suitable? What could I have said that would convey the message? The moment had passed, but still it would be nice to have something on standby for next time. Eventually I realised. What I should have said was;

"Not only is this in fact your fault, not mine, but you are a stupid bint as well."

Best to keep things simple.